I have had quite the eventful month to say the least! Doing my sadhana every morning and evening has helped keep me grounded and I have failed to acknowledge how this month would have been, had I not done it. Complacency and taking things for granted should be one of the 7 deadly sins, honestly! I am grateful for where I am right now. This is a wonderful place to be at. No matter the situation around me, at work, amongst friends or family, I have a consistent smile on my face. And laughter has become a routine. Things that would previously drive me up the wall, make me laugh now, like I was watching a Hassan Minhaj standup.
As sunshine and snowfall alternate outside my window I realized that it has been over 14 years since I started writing my diary. Alright, I have not been consistent, my diary entries have been on and off and sometimes a year apart. But I was digging through the suitcase I brought with me when I first moved to Canada looking for some agarbathi (Incense sticks) and I found my first ever diary. I had brought it with me and I did not understand why I was still holding on to it. It was a typical teenagers diary, full of pain and darkness with no apparent cause 😉 , millions of opinions from others and how that affected me, lots and lots and ….. LOTS of he said she said and omg how could they. I remember all this from having read it about 4 years ago. I honestly thought I had thrown it out back then so I was mortified to find it again!
I let it sit on my counter for 3 days. I found every reason to not open it and face it and my intentions with it were to read it, be grateful for who I am now and burn it. Let go off the past. But I just was not ready. Or so I thought. So today as I was looking for movies to watch and black holes in youtube to disappear into, I thought alright, that’s enough. Let’s do this. I opened it to the last page, read the last entry from 4 years ago and I want to share it. Some parts of it made no sense even to me right now, nevertheless, I want to erase the past and just keep this entry alive…. so here goes.
18th Feb, 2016 – Brockville, Ontario.
Hi Diary. Almost seven years now since I saw you. I cannot believe I am writing in you after so long. If feels weird. Surprisingly calm. I am alive, I am here. I am in Canada. I made it here with Mom & Dad’s grace. I am continuing to be an electrical engineer. I work, I make money, I pay rent, I have a car I drive around and I have a cute little apartment. I cook, I eat and I have a kitten! who is currently busy trying to push the pen out of my hand and chew on my diary.
I am trying to read who I was 7 years ago. It hurts to see me torture myself, verbally and physically abusing myself. Everything I did was apparently horrendous and all that I was and did only lead to bad things / consequences. I had such a hard time accepting me for who I was All I could think of was how to change. I let too many people’s opinions in my head, I feel like I murdered my soul. I was truly lost.
& Yet here I sit. I am who I am. I am strong, I am bold, I am beautiful and daring, I have everything I want, I have everything I need, I can ask for no more and I want to be no one else. This is all of me. I love my life. All of what I went through I believe was for a reason. All of who I am now reminds me of the tremendous change people can go through. People change. Sure, like mom says the core never changes. But I think what we define as “core” depends on what your perception of life is. According to me, core – our soul is the bigger than body, spiritual entity that we are, which is unseen by the untrained eye. It is what we are, every single one of us share the same core. Social and cultural differences make us who we identify ourselves as today. Me, Rathi and Indian girl, an engineer who loves to be creative and wild. You, a name, a job, a career, a passion. But deep down, we all share the same “core”, we are all one. As hard as it is for us to swallow this fact, as cheesy as it may sound, we all want the exact same thing. The one thing. To love, be loved and to feel included. Doctors heal people, engineers build things and make things work, artists create and express in all ways, shapes and forms, all because of one underlying reason – love. Either your love for the career you chose, or your love for your family that keeps you fueled to do what you do. Your love for people, your love for what you create, your fire to spread warmth and inclusivity, all this stems from love. We send people to the moon, we crave to expand and include, we crave to feel included and be a part of something or someone, we dream big and achieve bigger things, all because love and passion drives us all.
Reading back through my memories of what I thought about everyone and everything made me realize that I had a very hard time accepting the fact that people are all different. I wanted everyone to be like me. Ego, pride and jealousy were my best friends (sometimes still are!), and they did a damn good job of keeping me as far away from my core as possible! They masked the real me. They – became – me. We always get what we ask for. All that I kept asking for, unintentionally, was more and more reasons to hate myself. That is exactly what I got.
I AM GRATEFUL, FOR HAVING READ MY PAST FROM A DISTANCE. I AM WHO I AM NOW AND I AM GRATEFUL. LIFE IS NOTHING BUT FULL OF MAGIC AND THOSE WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN MAGIC, WILL NEVER FIND IT.
I BELIEVE, BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN.
Less than 2 months after I wrote that entry, my mother and I started our process for our pilgrimage to Kailash-Manasarovar in the Himalayas. I truly saw what grace does to our lives back then. I am grateful now, to have relived this last entry and to have remembered who I was becoming.
Love All. Happy New Year to everyone. ❤
R .. a WIP 😉