A couple weeks ago, I was going through my old posts, reminiscing the good ol’ days. The one post that stood out to me was about stillness [https://themagicalportal.com/2016/04/16/the-stillness-cont/]. I started tearing up at first and then very quickly my emotions switched to anger and frustration. I was the one who wrote this post? For real? 4 YEARS ago? What on earth happened? Why have I slipped so far behind that I am barely able to catch up to the person I used to be?!? What went wrong?!
A part of me wants to go back and figure out what happened in the last 4 years that brought me back to square one. Another other part of me, wants to let go. What difference does it make? It is what it is, you are here now. Stop whining, do what needs to be done, move forward. It’s okay, the second time around will be much faster.
I remember when I first learnt Surya Kriya and practiced it with reverence for about 32 days. Around day 28 my body started waking up involuntarily, with no regard for time. You are well rested now get up, it would say. I don’t mean opening my eyes wake up ; I mean spring out of bed brush your teeth take a shower wake up. I didn’t understand what was happening and I still don’t when I think back. All I remember is thinking WHAT-AM-I-DOING and why! It’s 3:00am ! I would have so much time left in the mornings I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Quite honestly, not having that control over when my body wakes up freaked me out. I stopped on day 32. Those 4 days were terrifying, I felt like I was possessed but in a great way. Yet, that loss of control was not something I was ready to deal with at the time. I have not practiced Surya Kriya since. Not one proper cycle, in 4 years.
Today I am failing in everyway possible trying to get my body to spring out of bed at 3:00am. I should write a book on self-sabotage and how many gazillion ways there are to stand in your own path of growth and master self-destruction. It has been 64 days since I started consciously wanting to do my morning sadhana. I would miss 1 or 2 days which would slowly creep up to 7-9 days. I tried to eat positive pranic foods, avoid stimulants, have a conscious focus on my breath, then dramas from family and work would take over my thought process and I would have 2 cups of coffee a day if not 4 cups of tea. Sighh.
I still fail to understand why we love being imperfect. What is it, that makes us feel like we don’t really deserve to live a peaceful/joyous life? Why do we do whatever it takes to find excuses to not follow the right path? Do the right things? How does H.H. Dalai Lama wake up at 2:30/3:00 every morning and practice death? I am however grateful, that I am at a point in my life where I can ask these questions and all I can do is hope, that the answers will come to light within me soon.