On 11 of March 2016 at 11:11 am, I got stuck in an elevator. That was the beginning of something “weird” for me. I started noticing all these patterns and started connecting dots, reading as much as I could, feeding my intellect with as much juice as I could find and the more I dug the more I found. I could not get enough of this energy, the knowledge of the universe, and you all know of most people how these last couple years have been. I did Inner engineering in 2017. Learnt Shambhavi and I practiced it with diligence for 6 days. But tat was too much for me.
I quit my job with no new job in hand, I burnt out my car, I broke up with my then boyfriend, I got admitted in the hospital as I was severely allergic to cats but I didn’t want to give her up I hated my apartment in a small town. I wanted to move but nothing worked out and I was spinning out of control.
People know actually know me, know tat I am very Type A. I have control issues and m aggravated when things don’t usually go my way. Believe it or not, through all this I smiled and breathed like it was nothing. I did not like that. I could not handle that. I didn’t recognize myself and I felt like I was no longer in control of my life and something else was moving things though me. It made me uncomfortable to the point where I stopped doing shambavi and went back to having friction in my life. When things go smoothly, we would like to think we would be happy, the opposite is true. We don’t ACTUALLY want to be happy.
We like the idea of happiness, the theory of it. We don’t really want that. We want friction, that give us the false sense on control of our life. We think we got this cuz we cause our own friction and then we mitigate the situations. That is what was true for me anyways.
This November, on Purnima, on the 11th, so on 11/11, I got the once in a lifetime opportunity to volunteer at the inner engineering event again. There is a long story to this, but the reality is, I did nothing, no practices, no sadhana, no over the top praying and crying. Nothing. & yet I got the opportunity to be there and serve 3000 people. I, along with other volunteers woke up at 4, and worked without sitting for 11/12 hours by eating just an orange or a banana and barely drinking water. The amount of/ surge of energy I had through those 3 days makes no sense. This is when I realized I am done.
I am done with the theory. With the intellect. I am done reading and looking for signs, if they show up awesome, if they don’t, that’s ok too. I want more. I want experiences. I want to feel the difference, not just read about it.
Since that day (I refuse to count how long it has been cuz I don’t want to feed my ego), I have had a perennial smile on my face. I have laughed at everything that would have pissed me the hell off! I have smiled at people that I didn’t want to make eye contact with. I am seeing everyone as my child, because I am a child that kept making mistakes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. And YET. I got so many chances to grow up & if I don’t realise that now I don’t deserve this life.
So I get a million chances to grow up, who the hell am I to think he is horrible she is terrible? They are all kids too, who are in the process of growing up and making mistakes., everyone is on their own path, everyone is making mistakes, and I am making a pledge to create a loving world around me. I promise to see everyone as kids that are growing up. I have given it up. I want to live a life with no friction. I want to laugh thru my life . Actually be happy and not just theoretically want to be happy. My ego puts up a fight and its not easy, I cry at the bondage I have with my body and the need to eat and sleep and succumb to the body’s needs is a battle. But I am a work in progress. I am alive. It is fantastic. I love every moment of this process, and I hope this very long story of mine, helps someone out there. PRANAM