I’ve been in the “Oh Poor me” consciousness for about a month or more now. It’s a terrible state to be in. Everything around you seems meaningless, pointless and you feel like everyone around you is doing or saying something to hurt you, cuz you know, you are soooo important. Pfft! As much as I have tried to cut myself off of TV and news, living in Canada I find myself getting sucked into politics pretty much every single evening. I come home and out of habit, turn on Youtube to see what tragic thing was said or done that day by the President of the U.S.A. Also, I get a little kick out of all the late night shows like Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and of course, Bill Maher. I found myself falling in love with how much hate they have. I enjoyed the jokes and remarks and comments that are being made on Trump’s behalf. I joined the world and chimed in on the “What a Jerk!” theory. To be completely honest, I have been doing this for more than a couple months now. To hell with Yoga and meditation! Hating is so much more fun! Sigh…
Over the last few weeks, this cycle of my thinking has been taking a physical toll on me. I find myself continually finding flaws in others, I find reasons to talk about hate, I find it close to impossible to see the good in everyone. In my Toastmaster’s chapter, I ended up speaking about Inclusiveness. As I was talking about it, I could see that some of my fellow members were smirking, rolling their eyes and disagreeing silently with what I had to say. Granted, there were others who smiled and nodded and raised their eyebrows at my perception on the unique tree (see my previous post), and they were happy to have me in that chapter as they appreciated a fresh perspective on the current state of the US, and the world in general. But all I could focus on at that time, was the fact that there were a couple people who didn’t like my speech.
Even though I spent 3 hours that day analyzing what had happened to me, why I was sucked into this vast voidness of darkness and hatred, I found it unsettlingly easy to ignore that questioning voice and go back to being the negative Nancy that I had become. And of course this snowballed. At work I was always on high alert and panic mode as to what will she think, what will he say, at home I ensured I didn’t see my cell phone as often and I cut myself off of all my friends and family with bare minimum communication, just enough to ensure that they knew I was alive. After weeks of this behaviour, I needed help. I knew I was not being my best self. I knew I had transitioned into the ‘Self-Preservation’ mode, and I also knew, that once you turn the ‘the world is a dangerous place to be in’ mode ON, you go into a downward spiral. You start doubting everything and everyone’s intentions, you start to loose faith in the good, and you manifest all there is that is wrong into your own world.
Thank heavens for my sis Ayshu. She called, and the first thing she said was, ‘Hello lady, what’s wrong?’ I was not surprised. (We all know how connected we are at any given point of time no matter how close or far away in this world we maybe). She knew I was starting to go into my cave and she forced me to talk to her. (Thanks gurl). The more I spoke to her, the more I broke down crying. Not because of the ‘Oh Poor Me’ realm I had entered. But because I have been putting in so much work into myself the past 4 years, to undo the social, cultural and genetic programming that was downloaded on me since I was born, but because all it took for me to turn around and go back into that old comfort zone, was a little bit of hatred. I was shocked as realisation hit me, that I had started to love, hate. I loved to hate! & this set off a whole another course of questions and self-doubt. How weak am I, to let something as simple as this, turn me into this hate and grief loving person? Who am I becoming? Why is it so easy for me to become negative again? My E.V. took control. I let it go wild. Then Ayshu reigned me back in asking me to shut the hell up. (Again, thanks gurl!).
Now let me tell you a little bit about my very own Old Underwear Analogy 🙂
Let’s assume that your mind, is like an old pair of underwear. There are some of us, who love being in our comfort zone so much, that we never bother expanding our mind/trying new experiences/stretching out the elastic in our analogical underwear. We stay put, and try and make it through life with not too much damage or loss, till death finds us. But what kind of life is that really? When you start trying new things and start experiencing new levels of consciousness and being, the mind starts to expand. That is like stretching out your underwear. The elastic stretches and stretches and then stretches some more. The more you evolve as a being, the more you understand that the physical world that we see with our two eyes and feel with our senses is not all that there is, and that the entire existence is just a vibration, an energy, you completely stretch out the elastic till it snaps. & your underwear is never the same again, just like your mind never will be.
I have understood that now, my elastics are stretched out to a point of no return. Because of all the extraordinary life experiences I have been presented with, because of all the incredibly interesting people that I have seen, worked with, played with, laughed with, cried with, lived life with, I find it easier, to go back to my ‘un-programming mode’ now. What used to take me 6 months to return to, now takes me an hour and a half & that is a truly incredible realisation to have. Like Pam Grout writes in her blog, ‘When you want to go from California to L.A., keep your nose pointed towards L.A. Don’t give up after an hour of driving towards L.A. and then say Hey! this doesn’t look like L.A.! and then turn around. You are still just in the outskirts of California, and you are yet to get to your destination’
Start un-learning your cultural and social programming, start stretching out those undies, till you reach a point of no return, till your mind expands to a point, where even though there maybe dark times ahead here and there, it is going to be extremely easy, for you to get back to the point where you left off, and continue to unlearn. ❤
Just do what Dory does! 😉
“Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep sweemin, sweemin, sweeming, what do we do? we swiiiim.. we swiiim, we swim !”
❤ Much Love to All ❤